It’s Like I’m Stuck In This Limbo…

It’s been a long and I mean long and brutal first two weeks. I’ve been to a new city, woke up to new bruises and blisters and found a new place to live. It’s been go go go and will be for a few more days until I officially move to my new piso.

Arriving to the city, has never felt so real. This time doesn’t feel quite the same as the last two times. The city feels new and old to me. As if everything and nothing has changed at the same time. I arrived with mixed emotions and tears in my eyes. I arrived back to a city that felt more bitter than sweet to me. But I guess that was just me projecting my feelings against it. I arrived with a lot exceptions, hopes and fears. I had waited five long months to make this journey and now I was here.

My first day, all I wanted to do was re-fall in love with Spain. I did, I really did. I stood in the middle of my favorite places, sipped mojitos from my favorite views. I was trying to distance myself from the way I left. This time I was going to be different. I thought moving to Madrid would make me happier, make me feel this unreal feeling but it hasn’t. Before embarking on this journey, I was anxious as hell, and spent hours contemplating my decision. Now that I’m here I feel like I’m stuck in this limbo of reality and fantasy.

I know, that weeks from now I could feel completely different and I really hope that I do. It’s been such a long rollercoaster getting here and I wouldn’t dare give it up. I won’t allow myself to but it gets hard sometimes. I understand that its never going to be dandy all the time. I came to Madrid with the notion of starting over, giving myself a break from life back home and forcing myself to learn Spanish. After a week of an intense 4 hour Spanish grammar course, I already feel my Spanish improving. I can enunciate my words a lot better and I personally think my writing has gotten better in such a short time. Although I do feel like I’m improving, the intensive class does have some cons to it. We learn so much information everyday in such a short time. Although it’s to help for our exams and Facultad classes, I feel like I’m already forgetting things. But at least it will be over mid-October and I can start dying with the real stuff like Spanish hand written mid-terms in pen.

These past two weeks have consisted of going out a lot and spending shit ton of money. I can pretty much say, I’ve been buzzed/drunk each night of the week. Pero no pasa nada! I’ve spent my weekends dancing the night away into the morning and almost being the girl who walks with no shoes on back home. I’ve learned to take the night bus home from Gran Vía and what it means to have McDonalds/Churros at early hours of the morning.

I’ve stressed out on piso hunting and the frustration Spanish landlords can bring. I wanted to live in this idea (fantasy) of a piso I had in my head. But I settled with the frustration and running out of time. I did find a place muy convenient to the city centre. It’s not to far from all the popping areas, as I can walk home very easily. Or as I like to say, I can stumble home with no issue. Except with the fact that I live not too far from a prostitution area. So I have that going for me.

I’ve meet new friends and I’ve learned some new things in such a short time. These two weeks have brought out a lot of realization within myself, which I’ve needed. This time Spain isn’t a short studying stay or vacation. This place is my home now and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I can only wonder what this year will bring me and how it will shape me and the direction I’m going. I look forward to the moment, where it really hits me, that Madrid is now my home.

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